‘My name is Norman Bates… I’m just a normal guy…’
You may be too young or have too much taste to remember the song – trust me it’s an 80’s classic – but hopefully you recognise Norman from the famous movie Psycho – Norman Bates had a split personality – he was both himself and his Mother. He also killed a whole load of people but that’s not really relevant to this blog. Well hopefully not!
You see I had a total Norman Bates moment on the morning of day 3 of our yard camp recently – when the humungous challenge of jumping a 55 to 60cm course of show jumps turned me into two very different people.
One person was remembering the course, checking the lines and picturing a nice forward canter.
The other person looked like she had stepped in poo, got her period and just found out her ex-husband and his younger skinny wife had won the lottery. I have been noted for having my ‘Sex Face’ on when jumping but when you see the photos of us just walking around the arena I look like I’ve been constipated for 23 years!
The Duck Out to the Left monster was back. Geraldine my chimp was fighting to be in the driving seat and in truth, she was winning.
It’s been a while since my last blog and in that time we have actually been leaving the ground – on purpose. And let me tell you it’s been….what’s that horrible word… ’interesting’.
Now I don’t have children but if I did there is one piece of very important advice I would hand down, and it is to never agree to enter a horsey event when you are in a hot tub with horsey gals and a belly full of prosecco. I entered a one day event and the Menopausal 50cm Eventer was about to make a come-back after 3 years. Run for your lives! Or to the nearest supermarket for wine coz it‘s about to sell out!
The last two blogs have been about the past and the present and I would love to say this one is about the future, but it’s not – well it kind of is. Entering the ODE certainly got my procrastinating ass in gear and Foxy and I out jumping. Nothing like a good dose of fear to get you motivated. We did a couple of riding club show jumping classes, we had two cross-country lessons, we continued with our weekly flatwork lessons and we even ate our spinach.
Walking the course the night before I was like ‘Foxy and I can do this, it’s 50cm. I have measured this and it’s not even as high as our bathtub, words of a true professional.
The day dawned and a gleaming Foxy, myself & Claire, the most positive groom ever, rocked up to Foresterseat to a lorry park full of lovely horses, and I worked bloody hard to manage Geraldine and keep most of my anxiety to myself. Are you sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to hear how it went? Hello – anyone there?
Well if it can be counted, we achieved one of our big goals to get a dressage score in the 70’s – 28.8 penalties so 71.2%. Our Foxy strutted his fast little Connemara legs off and did us proud.
Only another 3 hours to wait for the show jumping. Not good for Foxy’s diet as he munched on grass, epic for mine since only chardonnay was looking attractive.
Finally we rocked up to the practice ring – Foxy was pinging and a switch flicked as we entered the arena and we went for it. Only we maybe went for it too much – as we turned to go into jump 8 my head went ‘fuck that’s the wrong way’ – we turned back only to find out that we had in fact gone the right way and had completely missed out jump 8. Fuck it, we rode it, even kicked at spooky 3 and came out buzzing!
Quickest wardrobe change ever and into the practice ring for the cross-country. Oh the wobbles started but we got over one of the practice jumps and before we knew it we were in the starting box ready to go. The lovely man recommended going behind the car to number 3 – noted! 5-4-3-2-1 and off we went at a trot and OMFG at a canter – sailed over jump 1 and kept cantering up to number 2. We have got this – number 3 is the first big question. Remember to go behind the car. Up we come to number 2 – he is on it. Over we go……. and BOOM we are off and hitting the jump. Duck Out Left Monster had made a very cheeky last minute appearance! We weren’t going to need to go behind that car after all.
Do you need a paramedic? Noooo I’m fine. I’m just fucking furious. Do you have pills for that?
We walked back to the trailer in our new LeMieux gear and reflected on our life choices. We rationalised on the way home. For once I wasn’t entirely blaming myself and actually calling Foxy a bit of a dick. We had a bath, drank wine, used sports tape and popped Ibuprofen. And entered the next ODE in a month’s time.
And in the week that followed we returned to Foresterseat twice in a madly driven attempt to kill the Duck Out Left Monster. We did get over most of the jumps, eventually. But the Monster remained and the self-doubt and the ghosts of the past came knocking.
And so we come to camp. Day one flatwork and poles and Foxy was epic – Liz set us the goal of doing poles in a contact and we nailed it. Grid-work on day 2 – Foxy and I survived. Not as big as we have done in the past but that was because Liz was kind.
You see the Foresterseat experience raised some ghosts that won’t go away and that’s no bad thing. Often our horses and our riding reflect what’s going on in our lives and tell us when we need to deal with certain things. I’m someone who struggles to share the tough stuff with others – I tend to deal with it myself – but my trust in Liz meant I opened up about some of what was going on with me and I put myself and Foxy in her hands for the next 3 days.
We got through day 1 and 2 mainly by focusing on the incredible achievements of others and trusting Liz. By day 3 I’m going to admit I was struggling. It was like the battery was empty and I went into the show jumping course withdrawn and closed off. And Foxy boy knew it. The Norman Bates split personality started to appear – one version present and planning the course, the other going ‘I can’t do this….. and guess what happened? The Duck Out Left Monster appeared at the first jump. Not Foxy’s fault. My mind focusing on what I didn’t want to happen and therefore actually making it happen.
I don’t actually have many insights for you all from this blog other than one BIG one for me. If I am going to progress in this jumping then there are some big monsters and ghosts that have nothing to do with jumping that need to be dealt with.
This became very apparent to me before camp when I had a lesson with an incredible instructor who I trust, like Liz, and shared some stuff with. We ended up walking round the school chatting for 60 minutes of our lesson – when I worked Foxy for 10 minutes to finish I can hand on heart say he was the best I have felt and that was because so much tension had gone from me and therefore for him.
So peeps don’t be disappointed in me when I say I am not doing the next ODE. Foxy has shown me it’s time to do something even more courageous and I am starting to work with someone to deal with those ghosts and monsters. And I am proud of that and hope that my Foxy benefits even more than I do.
And if I can share one insight – showing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a true sign of strength.
If you can relate in any way then maybe it’s time to dig deeper or to share. I’m a good listener if anyone needs to talk. And I promise not to kill anyone…….cue scary music and shower scene
Thanks for reading
Hug your brain
Lots of love
The Overthinking Rider x